Why No to Consent?

There’s a very little awareness about marital rape in many parts of the world. Even when there’s a law existing for it in many countries, it’s either not reported widely or not taken action against effectively. Marital rape is regardless of gender and hence includes men too. If you want to know how, just google it. Having debates or arguments over something wrong doesn’t make it right. Consent is real and so is marital rape.

---

Dear diary,

I just had so much to do yesterday. I was working all day in the office. The work yesterday was more than usual and barely had an hour’s break to eat. Sitting with all those papers, registers in front of the computer screen for so long gave me such a headache. I didn’t wish to cook after returning home, but I did because ordering food from a restaurant meant extra expense for this month………..you see, I need to care about the budget for this house. My husband returned home from work when the dinner was just ready. I just wished that he cooks dinner someday when he comes home before me but it’s alright, I know he works hard and gets tired. We had a good time over the dinner.

I went in my room with that heavy head, desperately wanting all that headache I’d gotten by working the entire day to vanish. I changed and pulled the rug in hope of a goodnight sleep. Then, he came in, unbuttoning his shirt and jeans. But, he wasn’t really changing, atleast not this soon. I thought he was heading to the bathroom when I saw him walking across the room with no pants and vest. I’d so much hope that it was only the bathroom he was heading to but instead he hopped onto me. I was scared that it was one of those times when he’d talk me into having sex. Talk? Well, rather force me to have sex with him.

I told him how tired I was, that how working in front of computer screen for so long had given me a terrible headache and there’s no way I could derieve any pleasure from that sex! My body was sore. I was no way in a mood to kiss or feel anything inside of me! But, all I heard him saying was, “I’ll manage a way!” At that moment, I terribly hoped that he’d rather say, “I’ll bring you a painkiller and you don’t need wake up early tomorrow. I’ll take care of the breakfast.” But, those hopes were just to go down as imagination. All that came my way for keeping this relationship healthy and equally being responsible for the house was, “I’ll manage a way!”

I said ‘no’. I said no with love. I said no with frustration. I just said no and that was supposed to be a complete sentence.

I couldn’t do anything but give in. I didn’t understand it. I loved him and so did he (did he really?). How could this be wrong? I wasn’t a complete stranger that he was forcing himself on. I was his wife. Yet, I felt bad. There were unexplainable feelings rushing through me. I didn’t get anything. It just felt not right.

I felt his arms surrounding my waist, pushing me to the corner of the bed, pulling my pyjamas down. It felt like more of lust than love. I was still saying no while he unbuttoned my night shirt. I didn’t shout ‘no’ loudly because I trusted that we had an understanding and I didn’t need to yell things at him to make him understand. But, he’s done it before and I knew he wouldn’t listen.

I let him unbutton my shirt and take my pyjamas down while watching the desperation on his face with questions about this marriage running across my mind. I laid with my naked body, him holding my legs up. They were sore. I could feel the strain in my legs and I didn’t want it even before it began. I felt him literally penetrating my body. He held my hand, putting his fingers through mine. I didn’t grip back because to hold someone’s hand tightly needed trust and truly, though he’s done this before, this time I felt my trust slipping as he went in and out of me. I was quiet, just laying as an object. Is this what objectification meant?

I heard him ask why I wasn’t moaning, didn’t I find him strong now? I believed him to be a gentleman but he needed the certification of a tired lady moaning under him for his masculinity. I moaned. Yes I did! Not because I was having an orgasm in an act that was done to me without my consent but because I could feel the pain resulted from break of trust, resulted from him considering my ‘no’ less important than his! I was moaning! Yes I was because I couldn’t find an answer to if I had loved the wrong person.

He kissed me. But I didn’t feel like kissing back. Somewhere I felt that he wasn’t even wanting me to kiss back. I felt disgusted. Slowly, I could feel his grip on my hands loosen. I knew that it would soon be over. He slept after that. Peacefully. Sound. But, I couldn’t help think of what had happened. It was right and wrong. Or was it just wrong masked as right for the satisfaction of husbands like him? My already existing headache became even worse.

There are so many times when I have my physical needs too. There are times when I want him to hold me with love, kiss me. There are times when I too am desperate for sex but he’s always tired. He doesn’t ‘manage a way’ for me. I respect his consent or maybe his ‘no’ is actually more important than mine.

I don’t know if we have any love here. If he loved me, he would respect my decision, make an effort to understand. If there was something real, he’d know that making me lose confidence in my own body would only do me mental damage. His forced portrayal of masculinity isn’t going to make me love him more. It’s so confusing. And I don’t know what to do!

Yours,

A confused married lady

---

We understand this as liberal society but yet it’s a very new concept for people from many parts of the world which challenges their crazy beliefs that they own a right on their spouse’s body once married. It’s something that needs to be focused on as Consent is important and a human right to say No. Because everyone has a fucking right to be entitled to their bodies! Breathing people are not objects! Let’s also not make this swing towards just one gender. There are people who are victims of marital rape and know something is absolutely not right with it but lack of education about this makes them suffer this silently without protesting and making it a normal act to look to. Spread the word if you think it should reach a wider audience.