A Letter to Self

We just forget to address the person who gives us the most, a person who motivates you. Hence this holiday season, just do it. I did it already! Merry Christmas! Have an amazing year!

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Dearest Self,

I know this is a bit weird for you because we haven’t had a real conversation in a real long time and now I’m suddenly taking the high road of writing you a letter. You know, I always wanted to talk to you, always wanted to confront you but maybe, all the circumstances around made me really weak and scared to get in touch with you. It was easy to blindly spend time than face you. And whenever I found myself getting close to you, I had an unexplainable hesitation because I knew that you wouldn’t be approving of the way I was carrying my life then. I’m sorry for keeping you away from me but guess what, I am doing really good now! Be both have changed so much since the last time we spent time together.

You’ve always been showing me the truth but I’m sorry, I kept rejecting it. I wasn’t really ready to get out of my self-designed notions to fit my comfort zone and confront things up front! I’m sorry for having hurt you so many times, for having done stupid things even when you were screaming in there, trying to tell me what was right. Well, our journey together hasn’t been an absolutely merry one. It’s been quite a bumpy ride but we’ve had some really good times too.

I’m sorry for being mindless at times, for wanting to pull you down and confine you within the narrow boundaries of society, for tearing you apart. It wasn’t because you were at fault, it was solely because I wasn’t mature enough to handle things. But, we’ve grown together now, we’ve seen so much together and hence it’s very difficult for anyone around to break us apart anymore.

We’ve hugged our knees, buried our heads in them, cried in confusion, shame and also in disgust. We spent time alone in those dark rooms just unable to figure out what was going on. We’ve been on the shower floor just gazing at the door and worried about situations that surrounded us, slipped in blankets with teary eyes. You always knew what you wanted to do but I couldn’t support you because I didn’t want to face any questions, I didn’t want people to think that I was confused about what I was doing!

I haven’t been completely fair to you and I know it. I have been upset and disgusted at times when I thought of what I was doing to you, how badly I was shutting you up. But, you know, we haven’t been at crossroads all the time.

We’ve had such an amazing time together. We enjoy the nature, go out and hangout with eachother with absolutely no one else involved in our time. For everyone else, it might seem that I spend a lot of time by myself but little do they know that I am in the company of ever amazing you. Thanks for not giving up on me even after all the hardships, trying stuff we went through. Thanks for just keeping me alive.

Lately we went through times where I wanted to stop and run. I wanted to escape. My mind wasn’t working and I wished to make no decisions because all of it was failing but you kept going and dragged me along and I can’t thank you enough for that. I can’t imagine where I would have been and what I would have been as a person if you weren’t strong! At times I wanted to cry out loud, let all of the things out, but I held in all of it because I didn’t want you to break down looking at me. I held back because I love you. I might have been really late to say this, have been unable to say this to you before or show it through my actions, but I really love you!

At times I did things in the moment and later had an amazement as to how did that bloody confidence come into me! Thank you for that. Also thank you for choosing wisely the people I let in my life and teaching me that I have the ability of owning things that are external and only thing that matters is my inner self and peace.

You have changed me a lot. We both have changed a lot. You just brought me to a point where I gave up dependence on anything and liberated myself. You came along with me and instigated me to speak my mind fearlessly. Lately, I might have made a few decisions that didn’t fit your ethics but I promise you that if we keep walking together the way we are walking now, soon, we’ll be so one with eachother that our decisions will be collective and of the sort which fit your ethics of life.

I hope we don’t lose touch again. I really need you to help me be myself and do things in an amazing way. I could write to you all life but let’s get in real conversation once I’m done writing this. And keep loving me because that’s ultimately me loving myself! And don’t forget you’re an amazing person because you helped a person like me to keep going on. Don’t forget to love yourself because afterall, for me, there’s no better Santa than you. Happy Holidays!

Yours Truly Loving,

Your Best Friend

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© 2018 Lifemerized (Andy). Rights reserved to the author.